Daily Howler

Your Howler contributions always welcome through pewsnews4u@gmail.com

Just to keep our morale up during the current “lock down” we thought we would introduce this page.

Sunday 12 July

Live from Mallorca. We can see the Germans got up early and bagged the best beds…..
OK, ducklings, if you see any British tourists, scarper….

Saturday 11 July

Do you want to enter the competition to spend a week in an Intensive Care Unit? You can participate by wearing your facemask on your elbow!
Please feel sorry for them. They can’t go out to knock on your door even though they know you are really indoors yourself.

Friday 10 July

Once Coronavirus is over, you must use your mask like this for 2 months to ensure your ears return to their normal position.
Wha’ d’ya mean? Ya won’t speak to me until I puts a Covid mask on?

Thursday 9 July

There is social distancing and social distancing…,
Nope, they will still keep bashing away at it….

Wednesday 8 July

Hurry, the Daily Howler is running out of hamster jokes…
Boris, super-encrypted message coming in from The Donald about Huawei….

Tuesday 7 July

Good to see business class is back…
Yup, told ya so. These dudes also experienced Covid days. You can see they all needed haircuts

Monday 6 July

Reminds me of an advisor in one’s government. He is certainly scruffy, yappy and uncontrollable.
Och aye, Jimmy. Our Nicola still has us in lockdown. Slainte mhath!

Sunday 5 July

We could always play musical chairs to liven things up a bit…..
I think you are overdoing it a bit, Gladys….

Saturday 4 July

The Brits are not all bad, Dolores. Do you remember the time we saw a couple take their rubbish back to their hotel?
Bad news, good news, guys.
Bad news: Boris says the British Overseas Territories can be visited again.
Good news: (Sn)easyjet still only has short haul aircraft.

Friday 3 July

Same style as your Snoopy, Sir?
Soon be back to normal…

Thursday 2 July

Just heard there is a new lockdown in Leicester….
And please do not think you have to drive to Durham, England to double check your eyesight. (Google “Barnard Castle” and “Cummings” for more background)

Wednesday 1 July

Just because I said I thought Mr. Cummings was quackers….
Q. Why are there no hamster pictures on the Daily Howler?
A. Apologies. Situation will be rectified tomorrow. Ed.

Tuesday 30 June

Clear message here, book early for Christmas.
There is nothing new about social distancing, but please don’t show this to Ryanair.

Monday 29 June

A beach, the day after…..

Sunday 28 June

I used to think life was a beach. Now I know it is no different from working from home.
Let me out! I didn’t mean to go the beach.

Saturday 27 June

This is how mummy used to do it….
Should have waited?

Friday 26 June

Have you got your sunhat ready, Doris? They say we can now go the beach.
Arriving from the UK, Señora? Please park and stay in the shed over there for a fortnight.

Thursday 25 June

S(o)uper! Boris says we can get closer to each other.
How nice to be seen to be “Keeping Up Appearances” again!

Wednesday 24 June

Just because it is nearly over, don’t forget…
Bad news guys, Boris says the in-laws can start visiting again…

Tuesday 23 June

Nothing to stop dogs drinking in pubs. Cheers!
And now over live to the latest Republican Party rally….

Monday 22 June

Dear teachers. These happy days are nearly over….
And this is where we will put holidaymakers arriving from the UK…

Sunday 21 June

Look! No hands!

Saturday 20 June

…. and it is just as you promised
How do you get rid of all these howlers showing pictures of cats?

Friday 19 June

Keep your distance guys or we will be the butt of all jokes….
Trust a covidiot to get it wrong…..

Thursday 18 June

Miss, you are supposed to use that bottle to sanitise your hands, not drink from it….
You would think our employers would have given us something more modern to work with….

Wednesday 17 June

Roll out the barrel!
Mum, I don’t think this is in my curriculum!

Tuesday 16 June

Well if he won’t wear one…..
That’s it. I can’t stand this home schooling any longer….

Monday 15 June

That would need more than a miracle in some countries…
Designed by a politician, it is going to leak everywhere…

Sunday 14 June

Why should I want to get any closer to her? I am a cat!
Darling, let’s go for a staycation next year….

Saturday 13 June

Light at the end of the tunnel?
As these little monsters will do…..

Friday 12 June

2022. Daddy, what did you do in the 2020 lockdown?
Ding dong. This is your Captain speaking. Thank you for thinking you are flying to Spain. Unfortunately….

Thursday 11 June

Unlike some, I’ve still got my eye on the ball
Live football, it’s like nothing has changed

Wednesday 10 June

Says it all …
Politician? This size should keep you quiet, sir…

Tuesday 9 June

Going anywhere nice this summer, madam?
2 metres apart for ever? I do!

Monday 8 June

Good news. Just heard that canines do not have to do more than six walkies a day!
… and after all this time! Please!!

Sunday 7 June

Mum, I’ve brought home my face masks for you to wash!
It’s never too early to ask Father Christmas for that designer face mask…

Saturday 6 June

Just keep 2 metres apart at all times!
Where is Wally? Almost impossible to see in a crowd

(Ask younger members of your family if you don’t get this)

Friday 5 June

Wow, honey, you look so much sweeter with a mask on!
Do we have to do this training for our summer holiday?

Thursday 4 June

Oh no, not walkies again!!
Indeed. Better a glass half full than one very empty.

Wednesday 3 June

Afraid so. They are out there.
Should you really have to get up my nose?

Tuesday 2 June

Keep on dreaming for a little while longer!
Don’t you dare jump up….

Monday 1 June

That old kid’s joke….
Q. What does a dinosaur eat?
A. Anything it wants.
The “new normal” will be nothing like the “old normal”

Sunday 31 May

Did you hear the one about a President who actually put a mask on?

Saturday 30 May

Is this the queue for the catwalk?
Are you sure they’ll take these back?

Friday 29 May

What goes around comes around … (Like Covid)
Doc and Dopey are looking dodgy too

Thursday 28 May

Ryanair? Over there….
Face masks for the “cracks (of Real Madrid)” are already arriving.

Wednesday 27 May

Not just Ryanair…
Mum is the fur ball in the wash basket…

Tuesday 26 May

Hanging around has taken on a new meaning ….
Social distancing? No, sorry.

Monday 25 May

Passengers arriving at London Heathrow….
Day 66 … he is even unhappier about this

Sunday 24 May

Phase 1 almost here. Can’t wait for a cuddle!

As we live a life of ease
Everyone of us has all we need
Sky of blue and sea of green
In our yellow quarantine!

Saturday 23 May

….. and where was HR??

Friday 22 May

Our life from now on…. What? no handbags?
and the problem was?

Thursday 21 May

I can hear the ex-wife is onboard…..
…. plus the next economic crisis

Wednesday 20 May

Smithers, you are late and over the top as usual. Haven’t you heard it is nearly over?
The new normal? But at least they don’t seem to be selling

Tuesday 19 May

What? Carry passengers as well?

Monday 18 May

… and give them lovely names like Bugsy and Peepee E…..
Nope, it’s definitely got the virus…

Sunday 17 May

What? It says dfghcjrtyrruruofcrpr[r!%^&&&* Rubbish spellchecker.
No good, sir, we are only accepting contactless cards now….

Saturday 16 May

Batman, Spiderman, Superman… and now MEDICMAN (or MEDICWOMAN)!!
The Post-Covid SWAT team!

Friday 15 May

OK, now give us a non-Covid Yolk!
No additional comment needed!

Thursday 14 May

Stress, fatigue, exhaustion. Don’t worry a nurse will look after you.
But I am the nurse!

Wednesday 13 May

Sports news is a bit dull today….

Tuesday 12 May

No, Kitty. It’s still only dogs and kids that can go out…..
It’s time these furloughed trainee hairdressers got back to work on humans!

Monday 11 May

Oh no, my boss says I have to go back to work but I haven’t got anything new to wear….
Perfect, we’ll promote you to tea lady….

Sunday 10 May

This is the towel that I have ordered from Amazon so that I can feel comfortable on the beach.
Just dreaming of those happy days before my humans went on lockdown…

Saturday 9 May

The boss says I should now apply for permanent lockdown….
… at least twice

Friday 8 May

If you see two birds… well, er hmm…
I went through lock down to face this???

Thursday 7 May

Because … (see below!)
Being at home is like being in Disneyland; some days I am Sleeping Beauty

Other days I am Cinderella

But when I look in the mirror, I am a rather plump Fiona

Wednesday 6 May

Asking for a hairdresser’s appointment. Oil on canvas.

Tuesday 5 May

And no-one answered. Grrr.
Not a safety belt in sight. Won’t be approved by the lock-downed jobsworths I am afraid.

Monday 4 May

All together now!
You don’t take American Express? Drat!

Sunday 3 May

Foreigners say we shout a lot. Wait until you listen to us when we are TWO metres apart!

Saturday 2 May

Worth your one trip a day?
Or more… We are definitely going on holiday without them!

Friday 1 May

Not long now, chaps…..
But please still have your cheque book ready….

Thursday 30 April

Trump that?
Sorry… one got away, you know how things are these Covid days

Wednesday 29 April

He’s thinking the same about you…….
No, Donald, we can’t send an astronaut to the sun, he would be toasted…

But if we sent him there at night?
Mmm, naughty. It is probably Dettol. See Sunday’s post!!

Tuesday 28 April

Yes, yes, I know, wipe my feet….
AND wash your hands!

Monday 27 April

My barber has refused to even give me a quote….
And designer facemasks?

Sunday 26 April

Other brands are available….
Have they had their chips though?

Saturday 25 April

… and worn out jimjams!
Here’s María from Madrid. Age 35. She´s been teaching the kids at home since the lock down. She is really looking forward to Sunday when they can go out of doors for the first time!

Friday 24 April

Tried and tested by our Gallic friends…
Lot of covidiots won’t get this…..

Thursday 23 April (St. George’s day)

Happy St. George’s Day. We continue fighting….
Nothing compared to what the freezer is muttering…

Wednesday 22 April

No(ah)! Yet another loo roll howler.
Er hem!

Tuesday 21 April

This is NOT how you play chicken!

Monday 20 April

You’re not wearing your usual mascara?
Sofa(r), not so good…

Sunday 19 April

Nope, I just don’t look good in white.
Honest, my Lord. I was in lock down, so how come the turkey who did this wasn’t?

Saturday 18 April

and a big smile behind their masks!
Six feet apart they said, not four!

Friday 17 April

Correct distancing is the only way out of this….
and nor is the Daily Howler… until this is all over!

Thursday 16 April

Ah, la dolce vita… those WERE the days!
Testing? Testing? Times are indeed testing!

Wednesday 15 April

THEY don’t look so good now but I am as PURRFECT as ever!
Fatherly love knows (no) bounds

Tuesday 14 April

… and laugh with your eyes instead!
The “A” team unmasked!

Monday 13 April

Crazy mixed up kid….

Sunday 12 April (Easter Sunday)

Every teenager’s nightmare!

Saturday 11 April

Not just Gertrude!
Just Purrfect!!

Friday 10 April (Good Friday)

Paws for thought….
It is important to put on your jeans every two or three days…. jimjams are very treacherous…. I repeat, very treacherous!!

Thursday 9 April (Maundy Thursday)

Off to face the (sound of) music then, Julie?
Likely state of the AP-7 Mediterranean coast motorway this summer. Will be excellent for bird watching and orchid hunting once we can get out!

Wednesday 8 April

You see, I told you so. They are all being punished.

(no humans were abused in the taking of this photo)
My new dress for “social distancing” has just arrived from Amazon.

A pity the colour is so viole(n)t!

Tuesday 7 April

Wear gloves and a mask next time, please…
Definitely a girl’s new best friend…..

Monday 6 April

Got mine in Zara……
Where you will meet a lot of people with experience of it!

Sunday 5 April

And it is not just age-related!!
And in Spain it gets emptied daily! ¡Muchas gracias, basureros!

Saturday 4 April

Clever kitties, regulation 6 paws apart!
Well, what else can he do after stockpiling?

Friday 3 April

Beam me up, Scottie!

Thursday 2 April

Dictionary definition of this “F” word: Used to emphasise what one is saying, especially when one is angry or annoyed about something. Pretty royal stuff then.

A modern version of the kids’ joke:
Q: Why is it so easy for Superman to jump higher than tall buildings?
A: Because buildings can’t jump

Wednesday 1 April

nuff sned
Sniff. Cummings, did you write this?

Tuesday 31 March

Thank goodness the squirrel did not bark back, it just meowed!
Mmm, pushing your luck there?

Monday 30 March

What goes around, comes around….
Not all the works of art are in a museum. I am, for instance, at home in hibernation (previously known as quarantine).

Sunday 29 March

Dear God, could you please remove and reinstall 2020? It has got a virus!
Change of plans for the Easter holiday…

Saturday 28 March

What is going on?? Why are all the humans wearing muzzles?
(unlike those woofers above….)

Friday 27 March

There’s a year missing in your CV. What did you do in 2020?

I was washing my hands.

Please think of the young people in quarantine too!

My Homeworking Timetable:

  • F am: Social science: Get up
  • 9am: Home economics: Learn how to make a cup of tea.
  • 10am: Engineering: How to operate the Hoover, dishwasher and washing machine.
  • 11am: PE: Carry out garbage to rubbish and recycling bins (bit of additional Geography here as need to find out where they are).
  • 1pm: Chemistry: How to bleach and disinfect the bathroom and toilet.
  • 2pm: Orienteering: Get out of bedroom
    (this could be stressful) to find out where the wash basket is
  • 3pm: Geography (again): Lesson as to where the items normally strewn on my bedroom floor actually live so that I can get effortlessly to the wash basket next time .
  • 3:30 pm: Horticulture: Chop vegetables (could also be First Aid lesson).
  • 4:30 pm: Science practical: learn how hot water and Fairy Liquid remove grease from pans.
  • 5:00 pm: Mathematics: How long has this all taken?
  • 5:01 pm: Detention: Go to my room with IPad and be quiet!

With acknowledgement to the original posted on US Facebook

Thursday 26 March

Too right! Beery sorry.
We will understand the importance of hairdressers once we get out of this quarantine…..

Wednesday 25 March

Not beery funny?

Heard some advice on the radio last night, it said in order to have inner peace, we should always finish those things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to find things that I’d started and hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Whiskey, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner peas.

An telum u luvum.

And two al bee hapee wilst in de lok-upp or ish zat down?

Tuesday 24 March

Humphh, girls, what do you think?. He looks no different than before?

Pied de deux? Mona, s’il vous plaît, show some decorum!

Monday 23 March

Got a knitter, crocheteer, sewist in the house? This could be what it will look like after this is all over!

Sunday 22 March

How can we ever forget this year?!
What else?

Saturday 21 March

Says it all!
Note: No American Express!

Friday 20 March

Been there……
Did you see that pooch picture yesterday? Ridiculous. Some dogs just don’t have style, unlike us….

Thursday 19 March

These humans just don’t get it. Or maybe they do. Woof.
I’ll swap a tray of Mercadona chicken for an Audi A3. Serious offers only…

Wednesday 18 March

OK, we get the message, one funny a day is not enough, so today we offer two!

Do you want to spend the quarantine with me?

Tuesday 17 March

Yep, it has already gone viral!

Monday 16 March 2020

As a follow up to yesterday’s post!

Sunday 15 March 2020

A scurrilous parishioner says this is M.’s holy of holies. UPDATE. That should read a VERY scurrilous parishioner…